Whoa! This is a big, complex, incident-rich story - and in all truthfulness, while I really admire the imaginative leaps you've taken, I don't think you've got a workable story; it travels too much distance for the running time and it doesn't yet have a snug or satisfying ending. I do really like the visual image of the ballet dancer and the performing bear, but the windmill just functions as a building (and could be any tall building) and the bowling balls seem out-of-place and out-of-time, as there's something very old-fashioned and 'period' about your setting: travelling performers, windmills... it's all very romantic and 'back then' - whereas the bowling ball is a more contemporary prop. I can't help suggest that maybe you're over-complicating your story - making it rather epic when animated shorts tend to be about smaller causalities and situations.
Maybe you need another character in there to kick things up a bit: in many ways, a ballet dancer and a Bowling champion are polar opposites; one is thin and physically very fit, the other might be over-weight and lumpish - as in The Big Lebowski:
I'm just wondering if there's potential in exploring an 'opposites attract' love story structure in which two people from opposite worlds fall in love and find a way to combine their strengths: I'm just wondering how 'living together' in a windmill might achieve this; for example, the story could show them trying various different life-styles, with comedic results, until we see that living in a windmill is the perfect fit - because she is small and can move quickly, and because he is solid and strong: okay, I can't quite figure this out, but there's *something* beginning to cook here. The other way of changing things up is thinking about the windmill as something that generates power - okay, a lightbulb has just come on - how about a love story between a ballerina and bowling champion - where the ballerina has, at first no interest in this big, lumpish character. He tries different ways to woo her, but she's not interested, until finally, when it's her big debut, there's a power cut and all the lights go out, but he uses/builds a windmill, which creates the energy to bring the spot-lights up - so her debut can continue? Again - this isn't quite right yet - but it does seem that looking at the differences between the ballerina and the sort of physicality implied by the bowling ball might prove fruitful.
In short, Tom - I think you need to look again at your story idea, because you're not quite there yet, but that's because this brief is hard, and also - slapped wrist - because you haven't been making your various story ideas more available - so we're playing catch up here. Don't panic - just refresh your thinking - and try and think of the windmill more proactively in terms of its function in your story; it's not just a building, it's a building than can do stuff. If more thoughts occur, I'll pop back and add them into the mix :)
OGR 24/01/2014
ReplyDeleteHi Tom,
Whoa! This is a big, complex, incident-rich story - and in all truthfulness, while I really admire the imaginative leaps you've taken, I don't think you've got a workable story; it travels too much distance for the running time and it doesn't yet have a snug or satisfying ending. I do really like the visual image of the ballet dancer and the performing bear, but the windmill just functions as a building (and could be any tall building) and the bowling balls seem out-of-place and out-of-time, as there's something very old-fashioned and 'period' about your setting: travelling performers, windmills... it's all very romantic and 'back then' - whereas the bowling ball is a more contemporary prop. I can't help suggest that maybe you're over-complicating your story - making it rather epic when animated shorts tend to be about smaller causalities and situations.
Maybe you need another character in there to kick things up a bit: in many ways, a ballet dancer and a Bowling champion are polar opposites; one is thin and physically very fit, the other might be over-weight and lumpish - as in The Big Lebowski:
http://cache.boston.com/resize/bonzai-fba/Globe_Photo/2009/09/13/1252888488_3597/539w.jpg
I'm just wondering if there's potential in exploring an 'opposites attract' love story structure in which two people from opposite worlds fall in love and find a way to combine their strengths: I'm just wondering how 'living together' in a windmill might achieve this; for example, the story could show them trying various different life-styles, with comedic results, until we see that living in a windmill is the perfect fit - because she is small and can move quickly, and because he is solid and strong: okay, I can't quite figure this out, but there's *something* beginning to cook here. The other way of changing things up is thinking about the windmill as something that generates power - okay, a lightbulb has just come on - how about a love story between a ballerina and bowling champion - where the ballerina has, at first no interest in this big, lumpish character. He tries different ways to woo her, but she's not interested, until finally, when it's her big debut, there's a power cut and all the lights go out, but he uses/builds a windmill, which creates the energy to bring the spot-lights up - so her debut can continue? Again - this isn't quite right yet - but it does seem that looking at the differences between the ballerina and the sort of physicality implied by the bowling ball might prove fruitful.
In short, Tom - I think you need to look again at your story idea, because you're not quite there yet, but that's because this brief is hard, and also - slapped wrist - because you haven't been making your various story ideas more available - so we're playing catch up here. Don't panic - just refresh your thinking - and try and think of the windmill more proactively in terms of its function in your story; it's not just a building, it's a building than can do stuff. If more thoughts occur, I'll pop back and add them into the mix :)